Parenting
Bullyproof Your Child
Bully proof your child
Children’s behavior is always communicating something to us… we just don’t know how to interpret it for its true meaning… the meaning behind the behavior. Parents, teachers and society need to learn to speak the language of connecting the behaviors with what’s behind them (i.e., “seeing the world through the child’s eyes”) then risking self and truly touching the “soul” or sense of the child. When we can do that, children feel whole, valued and important.
Strive to communicate
- I hear you
- I see you
- I understand
- Equaling I CARE
Stop communicating:
- I must make you happy
- I always agree
- I will solve your problems
How to communicate with encouragement
Help your child develop an Internal Locus of Control vs. an External Locus of Control. One way to do this is to replace some of your parsing statements with encouragement. Although praise and encouragement both focus on positive behaviors and appear to be the same process, praise actually fosters dependence in children by teaching them to rely on an external source of control and motivation rather than on self-motivations. Encouragement focuses on internal evaluation and the contributions children make in the development of self-motivation and self-control.
Praise and encouragement
When parenting we need to be clear about our vision and purpose. For example, we want children to feel good about themselves from their own conclusions rather than be addicted to having their parents and teachers tell them how “good” they are. Try telling your child, “Thank you for helping with the dishes. That was very helpful,” instead of, “Good job.” Next time your son takes out the garbage without having to be asked you might say, “You noticed the garbage can was getting full and you chose to bag it up and take it out without anyone asking you to. You’re realizing this is your house too and pitching in shows that you care about keeping things nice around here.”
The problem with praise is that children begin to expect constant acknowledgement and conversely are alarmed when they don’t get it. They come to rely on external praise rather than develop internal motivation or confidence in their emerging abilities. They stop doing things because they should or they can, and instead do them for the recognition. Children who come to rely on praise take fewer risks, because they are unwilling to lose their praise-worthy status. When children seek praise (consciously or unconsciously) they tend to avoid anything they won’t get ‘right’: which is unfortunate because mistakes, trial and error, and risk-taking are critical elements of any learning process.
SO, what should we do instead? We should offer encouragement for their efforts and attitudes. Encouragement can be inspirational and motivating – a gentle, supportive nudge that helps children meet important goals – instead of self-defining and limiting. Children who received encouragement were more likely to believe their intelligence could change and they could do better if they tried hard, whereas children who were praised felt their intelligence was fixed, even in the toddler years, avoiding experiences perceived to be challenging.
And when we do praise children, it should be genuine: praise that is specific (i.e. “That was very kind of you to clean up your toys without being reminded”) rather than generic (i.e. “You are wonderful”) and praise focused on behavior (i.e. “You came up with a very creative solution”) rather than the person (i.e. “You are so smart”).
| PRAISE | ENCOURAGEMENT |
| You are always so beautiful. | I like the combination of patterns you chose to wear. |
| You did it just like I told you. | You worked hard on that. |
| Good job! | You really stuck with that – your hard work paid off. |
| I’m so proud of you. | You did your best, and didn’t give up. |
| What a smart kid you are! | I can tell you’re working hard on reading because you finished a longer book. |
| I’m glad you know how to sit in class. | You figured it out for yourself. |
| All A’s! I’m going to give you a big prize. | You must be proud of yourself. |
| You are such a good girl (boy). | I love you no matter what. |
| What a pretty picture. | The colors you chose for that sunset are unique. |
| With more work, you just might get this right. | You have it just like you wanted. |
| You sure are strong. | That was the first time you’ve jumped rope without stumbling. |
| You really know how to please me. | Look how far you’ve come. You can do it! |
| You are so organized. | I appreciate the way you organized the shelf, it makes it easier to find everything. |
| I am so proud of you. | You look proud of yourself! You really proved you can do it. |
| Great! That is what I expected. | Your creative solution really worked. |
| You always look perfect. | I appreciate your help. |
Helpful books on bullying
For Children
“Bully: A Discussion and Activity Book”
This book addresses the issue of bullies in the school and gives helpful suggestions to both adults and children on how to deal with the stressful situation in a positive manner.
For Teens
“Hey, Back Off! Tips for Stopping Teen Harassment”
A comprehensive teen guide to harassment prevention that incorporates strategies and coping tips for not only teens, but also parents and educators.
For Moms and their Daughters
“Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World”
A MUST read for all moms of daughters, even if your child is not being bullied.
For Women
“In the Company of Women – Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop”
Bullying does not stop at high school… especially among women. This is a good book that looks at how indirect aggression manifests itself among women.
Develop effective parenting skills and become a better parent
In an effort to stop the pain, we act out poorly, in an effort to overcome feelings of inferiority. How you relate to your child is what will bully-proof them. For more in-depth info on these concepts, download these helpful
brochures:
Parenting Teenagers During Divorce
Parenting teenagers during divorce
While your teen is busy trying to exert independence, parents still need to lay some ground rules to make sure that both parents stay involved in their child’s life. The key is to have a mutual understanding between you and your teen. In other words, take your teen’s life seriously, and he or she will take both parents seriously as well.
Big, but not big enough
The first thing to remember is that teens may look and act a lot like adults, but they aren’t yet completely mature. They still need to have two parents, and they still need to have those parents involved in their lives. Teens are working hard at learning to be independent, and this means that they do need special consideration, but it does not mean that you and the other parent should throw up your hands and say, “There’s nothing we can do.” It can be difficult to continue to parent someone who doesn’t want to be parented, but that’s your job right now.
Flexibility is key
Friends, school, sports, activities, dating, and jobs are essential to teens. If you have a visitation schedule that severely restricts your child’s ability to enjoy those essential activities, all you’ll end up with is resentment. Instead, you need to try to create a balance in your teen’s life. He or she should have plenty of time to do the things that matter to them, but they also have to make some room for spending time with their parents.
As the divorced parent of a teen, you’ve got to flex the parenting schedule to incorporate the things that make your child who he or she is. If your spouse has visitation this weekend, but your teen has a dance to go to, the parent whose scheduled time it is should take the teen to and from the dance, and spend the rest of the available time with them. You need to find a balance between your teen’s need to be a kid and the need for him or her to have time with both parents.
Create a minimum
Since teens’ schedules are busy, and both parents’ schedules are also probably pretty packed, it’s important to agree to some kind of minimum time per month with the non-custodial parent. For example, decide that you’ll try to arrange things so that the non-custodial parent sees your child for at least four overnights per month and four other evenings or afternoons.
Be creative with your time sharing. Take turns taking your daughter to basketball practice. Have one parent commit to teaching him how to drive. Have the other parent be involved with weekend band or cheerleader activities. Some parents have a hard time being flexible, because it feels like a loss of control. In fact it is just the opposite – you set a minimum and then work with your child to make it work for everyone. It takes a bit more cooperation, but in the end, you will both have a better relationship with your child, and he or she will feel more fulfilled and connected.
Stay connected
Teens are big on technology, so the non-custodial parent can maintain a close relationship with text messaging, cell phone calls, and instant messaging. Non-custodial parents can have a difficult time staying connected during the teen years – teens certainly aren’t known for being open with their parents! And, if a family divorced when the daughter was 7, she’s a very different person at 15 and it can be hard to stay in the loop. Find out about her interests and activities and make yourself a part of them – either by showing up to cheer, by offering help, or just by asking friendly, non-intrusive questions.