Grief & Loss
Grief & Loss
Grief & Loss
Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone or something important to you. It is a natural part of life. Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from family and friends, or loss of good health due to illness.
Grief reactions may include:
- Feeling empty and numb, as if you are in a state of shock
- Physical responses such as nausea, trouble breathing, crying, confusion, lack of energy, dry mouth, or changes in sleeping and eating patterns
- Anger — at a situation, a person or in general
- Guilt about what you did or did not do
- Withdrawal from family, friends and common activities
- Difficulty focusing, working or making decisions
- Questions about faith or spirituality; challenges to the meaning, value and purpose you find in life
Grief lasts as long as it takes to adjust to the changes in your life after your loss. This can be for months, or even years. Grief has no timetable; thoughts, emotions, behaviors and other responses may come and go.
Different kinds of loss
Loss is an inevitable part of life, and grief is a natural part of the healing process. The reasons for grief are many, such as the loss of a loved one, the loss of health, or the letting go of a long-held dream. Dealing with a significant loss can be one of the most difficult times in a person’s life.
Examples of loss:
- Loss of a close friend
- Death of a partner
- Death of a classmate or colleague
- Serious illness of a loved one
- Relationship breakup
- Death of a family member
Subtle or less obvious examples of loss:
- Leaving home
- Illness/loss of health
- Death of a pet
- Change of job
- Move to a new home
- Graduation from school
- Loss of a physical ability
- Loss of financial security
These types of loss can also cause strong feelings of grief, even though those around you may not know the extent of your feelings.
The grieving process
The process of grieving in response to a significant loss requires time, patience, courage and support. The grieving person will likely experience many changes throughout the process, often beginning with an experience of shock, followed by a long process of suffering, and finally a process of recovery.
- Shock: Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The grieving person may feel stunned, numb, or in disbelief concerning the loss. While in shock the person may not be able to make even simple decisions. Friends and family may need to simply sit, listen, and assist with the person’s basic daily needs. Shock may last a matter of minutes, hours, or days.
- Suffering: Suffering is the long period of grief during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss. It is often the most painful and protracted stage for the griever, but it is still necessary. The suffering process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts and behaviors, as well as an overall sense of life seeming chaotic and disorganized. The duration of the suffering process differs with each person, partly depending on the nature of the loss experienced. Some common features of suffering include sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety and changes in sleeping and eating patterns.
- Recovery: Recovery, while the goal of grieving, is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. Instead, the goal is to reorganize one’s life so that the loss is one important part of life rather than the center of one’s life. As recovery takes place, the individual is better able to accept the loss, resume a “normal” life, and to reinvest time, attention, energy and emotion into other parts of his/her life. The loss is still felt, but the loss has become part of the griever’s more typical feelings and experiences.
Obstacles to healing
Grief is a misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because responding to death is often awkward, uncomfortable, and even frightening for both grievers and helpers, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. This can make the experience more lonely and unhappy than it might be otherwise.
In addition, society promotes many misconceptions about grief that may actually hinder the recovery and growth that follow loss. For example, many believe it necessary to try to change how a grieving friend is feeling and may do so by making statements such as, “You must be strong,” “You have to get on with your life,” or “It’s good that he didn’t have to suffer.” Such cliches may help the one saying them, but are rarely helpful to the griever. Society also promotes the misconception that it is not appropriate to show emotions except at the funeral, and that recovery should be complete within six months. A helper needs to avoid these and other ways of minimizing a person’s grief. Those in grief need to be encouraged to recover in their own ways.
Treatment
Talking about death at a party or social gathering, or bringing up the topic at a family dinner, is socially inappropriate for most people – if not extremely uncomfortable. Yet the fact that most of us avoid this topic at all costs is what makes it so hard when we lose someone close, whatever the age or circumstances. By not talking about death, it makes it hard to process when it actually takes place.
Grief therapy provides a safe and understanding environment for an individual to work through any cognitive or behavioral problems associated with complicated grief. And the process of talking through the fears, regrets, anger and guilt with a counselor trained in how to listen without having “quick fixes” brings a great amount of comfort to many individuals.
Many interventions will be the same as those for other mental health disorders. For example, individuals suffering with generalized anxiety disorder will often receive a range of cognitive-behavioral therapies designed to re-structure irrational beliefs and thoughts. For those struggling with anxiety, most thoughts that run nonstop through their minds cause stress and mental distress, and those who have these thoughts can’t stop them without the help of a therapist.
In the same way, individuals struggling with problematic grief often have thoughts about the deceased or the death of the deceased that are irrational, or not based on accurate perceptions. The goal of the therapist is to target these thoughts and teach individuals how to think differently about loss.
In cases of complicated grief, behaviors become dysfunctional, such as turning to alcohol or drugs to treat the emotional pain, or simply refusing to socialize or engage in enjoyable pastimes or activities. Grief therapy addresses behavioral issues through cognitive behavioral interventions as well. These interventions often involve getting individuals to acknowledge their unhealthy coping patterns, and work toward healthier behaviors.
Teens: Grief & Loss
Guiding teens through grief and loss
A loss of a friendship can be hard on a teenager just as it can be on adults. It is important to validate your teen’s feelings of loss. In validating those feelings, you make it easier for him or her to share with you stories about the friendship, the memories of happy and sad times. Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.
As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss, as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.” Many teenagers feel guilty because their friend died; yet they have a chance at life, graduation, romance, experiences, and even new friendships.
How to help when a friend has died
- Be honest and let them know what’s happening
- Be willing to listen, and available to talk about whatever they need to talk about
- Acknowledge the emotions they may be feeling — fear, sadness, anger
- It can be helpful for parents, or other adults, to share their own feelings regarding the loss
- Frequently reassure them they are safe, who is caring for them, and which adults they can trust to ask for further support
- Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
- Talk to them about grief – what it is, that it’s normal, that everyone is different
- Avoid expectations of adult behavior – allow them to be the age and stage they are
- Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings – give them ideas of things they could try, such as doing physical activities, writing, singing, listening to music, talking with friends, reading, etc.
- Allow questions and provide honest answers
- Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them
- Speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them
- Talk about death together; answer any questions they may have
- Let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss
It is important to recognize when your teenager is struggling with the loss more than what is normal.
Warning signs
Recognizing the symptoms is one way of helping your teenager deal with the loss:
- Teenagers can experience symptoms of depression and have angry outbursts
- They can also be at the opposite end of the spectrum by showing a lack of emotions and feeling numb
- There can be problems in school with failing grades or delinquent behaviors
- Further symptoms showing difficulty processing the loss might include personality changes, self-destructive behaviors (drinking, drugs, etc.), withdrawal and isolation, or even suicidal thoughts
While this is not an all-inclusive list of symptoms, it does give you an idea of how hard the loss of an important relationship can be on a teenager. If you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think the young person may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counselor, senior staff member from their school, social worker, community or youth worker, or a local family support agency.
How adolescents 12-17 cope with grief
When met with the loss of an important relationship, the adolescent’s self-centered values may cause them great fear, guilt, anxiety, and anger. Adolescents have the capacity for empathy with other grieving family members or friends, so their pain is doubled.
Because an adolescent forms more intimate relationships with peers than with parents, it’s advisable that networks or groups be made available for adolescents who have experienced the death of a loved one. Caretakers of a grieving adolescent should not be discouraged if their teen reaches out to someone other than family. That’s normal at this stage of development.
Teenagers will often want to be more with friends than family as they seek support. They may find the intensity of emotion overwhelming or scary and not be able to find the words or ways to talk about them with others. They may want to feel they’re coping, and be seen to be, but inside be hurting a great deal, or be putting their emotions on a shelf for a later time.